This time last year I was sitting on the kitchen floor in tears. I was overwhelmed with the new responsibility for being the primary caregiver for my mother, holding down a full time job and grieving for my sister who had passed a little over a month prior. I was angry with God, angry with my family and friends and angry with myself. I felt alone because I didn’t let anyone know how much I was hurting and struggling. Although I didn’t have a plan to hurt myself, I truly didn’t care if I never woke up again. There were some days, I was actually disappointed I had woke up.
As I sat on the floor, exhausted and frustrated that I had spent a whole day cooking a dinner that no one was coming over to eat, I decided I was going to take a break from God. I was too tired to keep trying. If He truly wanted me, He was going to have to come and get me. Life after that went downhill. I had no idea how crazy and challenging 2020 was going to be for the whole world. It looked like God had given up on me and the rest of the world.
Around August, God came and got me. I rededicated my life to Him but this time I completely surrendered my life to Him. I let Him in every area, not just the nice parts. I wanted to be an open book for God. Although I was aware that God already knew everything, it was still difficult being honest about how I felt about Him and myself. I still wasn’t truly sure about the depths of His love for me and I found it hard to trust Him. Little by little He started to heal me. Healing is a painful process and I’m still going through it.
This Thanksgiving, despite all of the heartbreaking events and challenges, I can truly say I am thankful. I have a peace that transcends understanding. I have unspeakable joy. I have hope and faith again. Dreams have been restored. I know God truly loves me and cares about every detail of my life. I now wake up and I’m thankful that He has given me another day because it’s another day I can share the love He His given to me with someone else.
The fact that for a lot of people, this Thanksgiving Day will be one the most difficult days of their lives hasn’t alluded me. Many are grieving the lose of loved ones. They are without jobs and don’t know if they will be able to eat dinner. They feel alone and unloved by family, society and God. Even as I type this, there are some that are contemplating suicide. I’m thankful today to be able to tell them don’t give up. God loves you and He has a plan for you. It’s not to hurt you but to give you hope and a future.(Jeremiah 29:11) Please keep fighting because you have no idea how close you are to a breakthrough. I know it hurts, it’s scary and it’s lonely. You’re never too far away and it’s never too late to go to God. His door is always open. Joel 2:32 says, “But everyone who calls on the Lord will be saved.”(NLT) There’s always hope and there is always help.
“You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing. You have taken away my clothes of mourning and clothed me with joy, that I might sing praises to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks forever!” Psalm 30:11-12 NLT
Helpful Resources:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255, suicidepreventionlifeline.org
NAMI Helpline: 1-800-950-NAMI (6264), M-F 10a-6p ET or email: info@nami.org; for free crisis counseling 24/7 text NAMI to 741741; additional resources available at nami.org
If you’re in the Metro Detroit area and are looking for mental health assistance or Biblical counseling, feel free to check out GACCS (God Almighty Christian Community Services); gaccs.org; (248) 847-3600 or (313) 247-8315
If you have a prayer request, you can email requests to balmwords@gmail.com
Balm 4 the Soul 