“Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?” Matthew 6:26 KJV
I woke up this morning at four o’clock. It seemed to be for no other reason than my bladder holding me hostage from sleep. I dragged myself to the bathroom and my mind immediately started to flood with worries. I could feel my chest tighten and my breathing become labored. Anxiety was rearing its ugly head. I took a few breaths and told anxiety, “not today, in the name of Jesus.” Outside, I could hear birds chirping away. The sun wasn’t even up yet but they seemed to be singing praises to God.
I remembered just three years ago, waking up at 4am. Instead of hearing birds chirping, I heard satan’s lies. Overcome with depression and anxiety, all I could hear was, “you’ll never get out of this situation. You would be better off dead.”
I was so deep in sin and so far away from God, it was easy to believe the lies. At that point, I thought God hated me. I believed if I died, I would be in peace. Mercifully, God was still watching me. One day, I heard His voice telling me to repent and be baptized in His name. There is no peace apart from Jesus. I realized He still loved me.
Love isn’t seeing someone walking towards the edge of a cliff and looking the other direction because that’s what they want, and it seems to make them happy. I was at the edge of a cliff. I thought falling off would make me happy. Instead of looking the other direction, Jesus called me, and I answered.
Now today, at four in the morning, satan is still trying to convince me to kill myself, but this time, spiritually. The difference this morning, is I’m baptized in the name of Jesus, filled with His Spirit and I have a heart to serve Him and be Holy. This morning, the still small voice of Jesus inside me is louder than the enemy’s. I clearly hear Jesus saying, “I am in the midst of you, daughter. Abide in me and I will abide in you. Apart from me, you can do nothing, but in me nothing is impossible.”
God’s eye is indeed on the sparrow. I know He not only watches me, but He is in me. I hear the birds praising God in the darkness and I’m praising along with them.