I didn’t know who they were. I had never seen their faces. I only knew they set the standards for everything. Everyone waited for their wisdom and intently listened to their voices. No one questioned them. I don’t know why. It has always been that way.
There were some who dared to rebel against them and then there were those, like me, who just wanted to fit in. If I could just be like them, I would have peace. I eventually discovered their standards were unattainable. I was never thin enough, my hair never long or straight enough, my skin never light enough. They made growing up almost unbearable. If you can’t follow what they say, you would be subject to endless ridicule.
I tried desperately to comply but always failing. In the end, feeling unworthy and unloveable. In their eyes, I was a waste of space and I believed them. There were times I looked at a bottle of pills and wished I had the courage to take them all. At least in death they would leave me alone, then I could find peace.
I would like to say this all changed when I became an adult. I didn’t magically evolve into a beautiful butterfly that took everyone’s breath away, nor did I turn into a rebel that didn’t care what anyone said or thought. I was still awkward and tried to figure out exactly what they wanted me to do. My depression continued, followed by anxiety. I was so confused and lonely. I woke up every morning, disappointed to see another day. I would ask God why did He create me if He knew I would never live up to what they wanted.
One morning, I heard His voice. He said, “why are you listening to them. They have no power. They’re not able to form a world with just the words of their mouths. They can’t command the sun, moon and stars to stay in place and shine. They can’t make the earth rotate in the palms of their hands. They can’t breathe into dust and create life. In fact, they can’t even create actual dust.
“My beloved daughter, listening to them will not only kill you physically but worst of all, it will kill you spiritually. Your soul is dying as we speak. I uniquely and intricately created you. There are gifts I have given you that no one else has. You weren’t created haphazardly but with a specific plan and purpose to fulfill. Why listen to a creation when the Creator is speaking to you? They don’t know the plans I have for you but if you trust Me, your Creator, I will eventually reveal them to you.”
His words were beautiful and soothing to my ears. I so wanted to allow them to heal my wounded heart. I wanted to trust Him but His voice was still and small, deep inside me and their voices were so loud. “How can I trust You, Lord?”
He replied, “because My words are true. I am not like a man that should lie. I have sacrificed My Son for you. Just look in My Word and you will see.”
I opened up the Bible and started to read of how He created the earth and all that is in it. I read a love story of a God and His people. There were times I was angry, times I cried and times I saw myself and felt ashamed. I took all my feelings to Him and He patiently listened. He answered questions but there were some answers I simply wasn’t ready to hear. I eventually came to the conclusion that He could be trusted and they could not.
They didn’t love me nor cared about my well-being. They would never die for me, in fact they only encouraged me to take my own life. Why am I afraid of people who don’t have a heaven or a hell to put me in? I still don’t know who they are but I’m done listening.
Heavenly Father, thank You for so wonderfully and thoughtfully creating me. Without You there is no best life, no peace and no joy. Without You there is only confusion, shame and despair. There are no words to adequately describe how grateful I am that You have opened my eyes to see the beautiful creation that is me. May my ears always be inclined to Your voice. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
Balm 4 the Soul 